серьезно, чёртов дайри просто стер мой черновик и мне придется набирать все снова?

Снова сижу в ночи и пытаюсь сместить комок из горла от всего невысказанного и невыплаканного. Я так стремилась сбежать из замкнутого круга недовольства своей жизнью, что провалилась в бездну. И теперь сижу тут и страдаю. Ну почему ты сказала, что все будет в порядке? Ведь где-то на задворках сознания я чувствовала, что нужно все вернуть вспять пока не поздно. Но нет. Я опять доверилась, я погналась за своими амбициями и жадностью и осталась в пустоте.

Я не могу без стабильности. Несколько дней назад словила паническую атаку в день выплаты. Поняла, что во время парковки на машине, да и в целом да рулём, периодически ловлю это состояние. Кислорода нет, сердце колотится, в голове туман.

Я ведь не многого прошу. Я хочу стабильную зарплату, не убиваться при этом на работе, и получать достойно. Мне так страшно оставаться в этой пустоте и я не вижу выхода. Как будто из моей жизни выдернули фундамент и я теперь как на палубе корабля в шторм, пытаюсь не слишком сильно врезаться головой в мебель. Мне очень страшно и я устала тратить все силы на борьбу с собой.

Головой я понимаю, что ничего смертельного не происходит. Но я не могу выдохнуть и отвлечься.

Beast не выходит из головы и при этом не особо выходит на поверхность. Хотя по сравнению с тем как он сидел в моей голове столько лет, сейчас прогресс. Возможно, стоит прекратить обесценивать свои усилия.

Комок в горле передавливает желание что-то делать. Я как будто в смирительной рубашке качаюсь из стороны в сторону в мягкой комнате и бормочу этонесомнойэтонесомной. Sounds familiar, ha?

I keep tryin' just to make it
To to end of the day, you know I hate it
Been lyin', my body's achin'
What do you do when the hero needs savin'?

Honestly
I can't shake it, shake it, shake it
Yeah, honestly
I can't take it

I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
And I'm not okay, I'm not okay, no

I feel too much, my blood is rushin'
Ask about me, I'm quick to change the subject
I tell the truth but get interrupted
I wish my life would've came with instructions

Honestly
I can't shake it, shake it, shake it
Yeah, honestly
I can't take it

I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
I'm not okay, I'm not okay, no

Whoa-oh-oh
My heart is racin'
Su-su-suffocatin'
I'm slowly fadin'
Su-su-suffocatin'

I say that I'm just fine
But I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
I say that I'm okay that I don't feel okay right now, no
I've been slippin' and slidin', my world's gettin' colder
I'm tired of lookin' over my shoulder
Tonight, I don't feel alright on the inside (alright on the inside)
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
It's like I'm runnin' from an avalanche
Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh
Hey

@музыка: Avril Lavigne - Avalanche

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have

---

The planet will remain undamaged
If you capitulate

Не знаю, с чего меня накрыл сплин, возможно, осень, возможно, накопилось, возможно, я чувствую, что эфемерное счастье рассыпается в прах.

Вчера он всколыхнул какие-то пласты в моей душе, которые, оказывается, все ещё много для меня значат. Хотя, казалось бы, отгоревала, отплакала и отпустила. Но нет. Все ещё горит, даже, я бы сказала, тлеет. И жжет. Где-то глубоко-глубоко все ещё та маленькая девочка, которой больно, плохо и одиноко, и она просто хочет проснуться в той реальности, где все идёт правильно.

А как - правильно?

Чувствую, что опять потерялась. Дома как в клетке, душно, стены давят со всех сторон. Удушающая и притупляющая мгла, тянущая как болото вниз.

Работа то приходит, то исчезает из рук, оставляя разочарование и ощущение своей бессмысленности.

Ребенок все больше отдаляется, или это я сама проекцирую свое желание быть одной?

Группа распадается, а я чувствую как будто пытаюсь распалить остывающие угли, не имея ничего, кроме собственных рук.

Глупо и как-то по-детски. Но уж как есть.

Прокрастинация не позволяет забыть, даже не даёт отвлечься. Я просто загоняюсь не так явно, а где-то там, фоново.

Хочется вырваться на простор, быть нужной, и важной, и слышимой. Только страшно, что сказать будет нечего, и все отвернуться, а жизнь просто померкнет как когда-то.

Страшно.

Наверное, осень.

@темы: #never understood this life, #i hide behind these notes too well, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm

---

Fucking hello. Can you hear me?

This is getting ridiculous. You're being a drama queen and I'm pissed cause I can't vocalise even half of what I'm feeling to your face without burning all the fucking bridges forever.

I'm just done pretending. You wanna play the silent game - suit yourself. I'm done being your friend. Your only fucking friend you could talk to everyday. Cause guess what? I have needs and feelings too. Surprise! And unlike you I actually go out every so often so everyone can take a break from me. The problem is I can't take a break from everybody cause I just don't have the space for that! Someone is always fucking nearby.

I don't need your smothering advice. I don't need your opinion on my way of doing anything. I kinda need your presence occasionally. Not every fucking minute.

Every time this happens it opens up a boiling pot in me with every little thing she annoys me with. And the worst part is - it's not gonna change till we move the fuck away from each other to call every other day for some small talk! It's never gonna be fine while we're in the same space together and there's no foreseeable way I could get my space till either grans die or my son grows up.

I thought I could bring all the bubbling inside here so it would stop swirling in my head. But there're so many things I wanna say at the same time I can't concentrate on even one to start unravelling. I realize that's her way of pushing me to shame of being "the bad daughter" so that I'd come and apologize for things that are not even my fault. Cause guess what? She's always right. She never apologizes for being a manipulative bitch. I'm the one who always has to be the "I'm sorry it was wrong of me to say all these things" girl. Well, tough. Not this time. I'm not afraid of the silent treatment, I'm a fucking master at it, too.

The funny thing is, the less she talks to me, the more I wanna spend time with my son. Maybe my social battery just had the resources for one and this whole shenanigan will be good for my parenting. Joke's on you, mom.

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

Well, I guess Amen to that. Being yourself and true to your feelings.

@музыка: Let it go

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm

---

Oh shit, here we go again.

Why is it everytime I try to be nice to people they start to get increasinly annoying and demanding? I'm just trying to socialize and not be that cynical bitch I really want to be, how the fuck is that the sign of "use me as often as you can"? Seriously, that's starting to be a problem. I am REALLY trying to not get involved, stopping myself from "oh that's really not all that out of my way and in no way a problem" which quickly escalates to "the fuck you think I am, your private taxi?".

Argh

Spent a whole day alone at work. Best shift I got in a few years. People are terrible and I hate them.

Yesterday used an AI to complete a song and now I'm procrastinating cause I feel like a shitty musician who can't even split this music into instruments and midi by ear. I just fucking can't! Not even the vocals, it all seems to be too fast and overwhelming. So I've spent a whole day watching interviews and comedy shows and reels and playing shitty games on my phone. Well done, Cauri, really fucking proud of you.

May be I want too much from myself, instead of doing small steps I want to get everything done IMMIDEATELY MOTHERFUCKER. Oh well, may be one day I'll learn.

@музыка: Cellar Darling - Avalanche

@темы: #never understood this life, #i hide behind these notes too well, #social skills I'm not sure I have

---

Ааааа, как же я ненавижу звонки. 2024 год на дворе, все виды мессенджеров, электронная почта, смс, что угодно текстовое, блять! Мне не всралось слушать ваш медленный голос с мерзким тембром, дайте прочитать, сравнить и подумать!

Как же подгорает, ааааа

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have

---

Shut up and stop whinning. Great gifts take time.

Не знаю, чего я ждала. Праздника? Немного признания? Возможности доказать себе, что мир не такой херовый, как кажется?

Я не понимаю, когда мир свернул не туда. Как сделать его тем светлым местом, о котором я хочу думать.

Один подарок из шести. Остальные даже не подумали. Ладно, два, В. подарила целых две рафаэлки. Остальные побегали и побухали за мой счёт, но даже не подумали что-то сообразить.

Я не прошу брильянтов. Не прошу охуенно сложных подарков. Хоть шоколадку, блять. Ну хоть немного внимания.

Потому что я просто не понимаю, что делаю не так. Когда мир стал таким ебанутым.

Вот уж точно, social skills I'm not sure I have.

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm

---

Я так устала. Каждый раз когда я думаю, что могу на кого-то полагаться - мне опять плюют в рожу и сваливают в закат. Каури же сильная, она же со всем справится. Почему я все еще удивляюсь?

Где ты был 20 лет назад, чтобы научить меня ориентироваться в этом мире? Где ты был, когда я набивала шишки об окружающих? Где ты был, когда я училась все разруливать сама, наматывая слезы на кулак и крича в подушку?

Ты опоздал со своими нравоучениями. Все, что ты мне дал, - это деньги. И то, только когда я "хорошая дочь". А я не хорошая. Неудобная. Со своим мнением и взглядом на жизнь. И почему-то не проявляющая уважения просто потому что.

Всего-то надо было -цать лет назад брать меня с собой исследовать этот прекрасный мир и учиться в нем жить. А не бросать меня барахтаться в этом одну. Oh well.

"Ну не очень хорошо , ясно."

Спасибо, блять.

@музыка: In this moment - Roots

@темы: #never understood this life, #i hide behind these notes too well, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm

---

Do I get to be this bitchy person? I mean I always secretly wanted to be badass but I feared the consequences. And now I burn bridges faster than I build new ones.

She is annoying. The kind you can't quite describe. Yet you constantly feel used. So fuck that. Even if it's just my insecurities or traumas reflect on her - I don't give a fuck. I think I've waited for this for so long that the whole idea of dumping her seems like a well-and-long-deserved response.

Why do I even think about it twice? I might have used her but it was disproportionally less than all the times she used me.

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have

---

Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

---

As March approaches here we are again. Shattered, tired, insecure, lost and feeling utterly disgusted with myself. Oh boy.

I'm sick of feeling sick. I want to do so much and e-ve-ry-thing just comes back to money. More money than I can earn at the moment. The minute I let myself relax the world falls down on me showing me just how insignificant all my efforts are. I hate it.

My health isn't getting any better. It's like if I do something my body finds new ways of annoying me. I did vitamins - my thyroid decides to destroy me. I don't know what to do and who to trust. I'm tired of walking blindly through the never-ending bushes. I think I need to cleanse myself, do the analysis, go do the herbs, all that with exercise. Though while I was distracted by the preparations for 23rd of February, wowagent added that she doesn't add anyone not from her registration link. Oh well. Never mind. Herbs it is.

I feel like I'm letting my son down. I don't know what to do with him. It's like everything I do never makes any difference. I have nothing to teach him but bad habbits and annoying character traits.

Damn, this song is stuck in my head.

Oh life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep an eye on you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive

Every whisper
And every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool (fool)
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough

Well, consider this
Consider this the end of the century
Consider this as well
It brought me to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep an eye on you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you strive

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
And that was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream dream dream dream...

Anouk - Losing my religion (REM cover)

@музыка: Anouk - Losing my religion (REM cover)

@темы: #never understood this life, #i hide behind these notes too well, #the music is in my blood, #whenever you call for me, know that I'm only one step behind, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm

---

Once again I am in awe of the way the Universe sends us signals.

Watching the BtVS review on Into the Woods I find soooo much clarity in what has happened with me. It's like a story of me but with vampires and stuff.

I gave all I could. But I didn't want to betray everything I am and believe in just so he could become the center of my Universe. Not my fault he tries to find meaning outside of himself. I, like Buffy, have a job I can't leave, the way I am best equiped in dealing with problems is solitary, and still I found time to be with him and share all I could, but it wasn't enough.

Funny how all of it makes sense now and how I wasn't aware the episode even had that much meaning to me before.

@музыка: Icon for Hire - Panic attacks

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #give me some more of that iodine

---

Who da boss?..

Don't even feel dissapointed. The sense of doing what's right is coming back to me.

Get your shit together, girl.

We have't talked yet but I feel like everything's already been said in my head.

That's what was coming, you know.

Now K.Flay and new music, old anime in new imaging, new serials with old actors.

My life anew but nothing's changed but me.

Ha.

I'm usually nice
But just for the night I wanna be mean
I wanna fight
I wanna say things I've been keeping inside
Four-letter words
I'm cursing
Fuck you
You didn't deserve me

K.Flay - Four-Letter Words

Though to be honest I ain't even mad. A little sad but not his fault.

Singing for the first time in forever in a long-long time. I've made a decision, my life is a vision, I will not break down anymore. Change is so sweet and sour, I forgot what it's like to step into my own darkness and grow stronger.

Not the obvious way, but you'll get there, Cauri. To the feeling like you belong.

Just figure out what you want your life to be. And get your shit together.

@музыка: K.Flay - Four Letter Words

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have