[all across the ocean]

Am I doing this right? Am I a terrible parent? Should I do more and if I should then how am I supposed to bring myself to do it without hating myself and everyone around me?

I hate it. I hate it all. My uselessness. My inability to fix what's broken in my son. And I'm not sure I really want to know. It's easier to pay someone to fix the problem for me. I'm tired of controlling everything, it feels like I'm on my own. I don't need reassurance, I need someone to rely on in making decisions and carrying them out. I'm sick of doing it alone. I need everything to be perfect, or at least easy enough to get better, but everywhere I turn it gets worse.

He doesn't read. He's afraid of failing and I'm definitely not the one to break that fear since I am the one who put it there. I'm not interested in seeing a psychologist, I just want my kid to do a simple thing - and he refuses. It drives me mad and makes me wanna hit him again and again till he does what he is supposed to, what everyone does eventually if they want to do anything in this life. All he does is listening to books and watching some stupid cartoons. He is so much like me I hate it. I wanna be alone, I haven't figured myself out and I don't see how I can do that any time soon. I don't need him to be there as a monument to my failures.

I do the bare minimum and it doesn't help and I don't have the energy to do more. I don't wanna invest in him even though I realize it might (probably would) hurt him in the future. Should I have put him in the class? Should I have been to the doctors with him? Or did I do the right thing? I know it's not enough, but it never is, is it?

I feel so lost and terrified for his future. And yet I stand still and hope it all goes away, cause I can't bare it any more, being an adult. Everybody else seems to avoid it, why should I be any different? Why does it bother me so much and yet paralyze me to the point of a comatose existence I spend on watching pointless videos on youtube and playing games - anything to avoid reality and the choices I have to make.

I just want him to be okay and my choices not to hurt him now or ever.

I don't wanna break down
So where do I go?
My screams sink to the bottom
Top of my lungs, just an echo
Inside I'm still hollow

Icon for hire - Hollow

@музыка: Icon for hire - Hollow

@темы: #never understood this life, #whenever you call for me, know that I'm only one step behind, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this

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[all across the ocean]

A note to self - it gets better. It always does. Don't be hard on yourself. Trust the universe. It will all work out the way it should.

I love him and I love my family. No matter what I say in the moment of weakness.