Lost in paradise.
This is so surreal, coming back here. I couldn't remember my account at first, then I just put my fingers on the keyboard and they typed it all in by themselves.
It is odd being back, feels like I've made a full circle again and came back to the start. Diary is like the rock bottom I fall on when the ground is taken away from my feet. Serials and diary - my imaginary friends that kept me sane through my teens and now I cling to them hoping all of this is gonna pass, too, somehow.
I alienate people around me. I'm almost 25 and I still haven't learnt the magic of social interaction. I always knew my parents and I were too different to understand each other completely. And every time I speak out loud what I actually feel like, I get knocked down by them and it kills me every time. I promised myself over and over again - don't do it. Hide it inside, find a way to sugarcoat your feelings. But I'm too damn tired of fairytales and dancing around what I really wanna say that I give in and destroy the only good thing I have in my pathetic life - the love of my parents. I'm never gonna be like them and something inside me dies from that realisation.
I don't love my kid. I said it out loud. It's not his fault. Right now I'm blaming my mom for convincing me not to do an abortion. Aaand I blame A. for taking advantage of my naiveness at the time. But the joke is on me. In the end, I could have had a say in all of it and I chose to ride with the flow. Yes, I can try and justify all of it by saying I was too young and inexperienced to have to deal with that sort of thing, but in the end it doesn't even matter. No matter how much I wanna turn back the clock, I made this mess and I should be the one to live it through.
Except I can't. Days turn to endless voids, taking up my mind, flooding it with hate and despair. I poison everything I touch because I lost the ground and I can't find a way to a safe haven.
History is repeating itself but I was always careless about it. I don't learn anything, do I? And now I've been on pills for almost two months now, my body slowly giving up to coughing and getting sick at every flow of the cold wind.
I'm in need of a nanny again. I lashed out on the previous one cause my mom said she was sleeping on the work. Which to me was no big deal, but since it came from her with the obvious intent "deal with it" and I was so tired after work I just reacted. And it blew in my face. Wonderfull. Then I lashed out on my mom saying I don't wanna be like her - alone, jobless and in depression till I'm like 50. That went even better. My parents yelled at me, but what they don't understand - this is how I feel. I'm sick of hiding and pretending I'm better than this - I'm really not. I don't wanna be like my parents, I admire them and all they've (my mom mostly) done for me, but thank you, no, thank you, I'm so not gonna live like that. I don't like my son, he feels like I'm back at school again and I count the years till I can be free from him and have my non-working time all to myself. Not sure what to do in all that free time other than destroy myself from inside, but I hope I'll think of something by the time that happens. To be honest I don't even like me - and that, I think, is the reason for everything else. I can't see the point where a nice naive empathetic girl turned into neurotic manipulative matherialistic cold-hearted cynic. Cause that's what I am. On one hand, that's very practical and gets things done without too much heartache, and on the other hand - a heartache is better than no heart ot all.
I wish the wonderful time of "look how pathetic I used to be, glad that's over now" will come some day. Those would be the times.
It is odd being back, feels like I've made a full circle again and came back to the start. Diary is like the rock bottom I fall on when the ground is taken away from my feet. Serials and diary - my imaginary friends that kept me sane through my teens and now I cling to them hoping all of this is gonna pass, too, somehow.
I alienate people around me. I'm almost 25 and I still haven't learnt the magic of social interaction. I always knew my parents and I were too different to understand each other completely. And every time I speak out loud what I actually feel like, I get knocked down by them and it kills me every time. I promised myself over and over again - don't do it. Hide it inside, find a way to sugarcoat your feelings. But I'm too damn tired of fairytales and dancing around what I really wanna say that I give in and destroy the only good thing I have in my pathetic life - the love of my parents. I'm never gonna be like them and something inside me dies from that realisation.
I don't love my kid. I said it out loud. It's not his fault. Right now I'm blaming my mom for convincing me not to do an abortion. Aaand I blame A. for taking advantage of my naiveness at the time. But the joke is on me. In the end, I could have had a say in all of it and I chose to ride with the flow. Yes, I can try and justify all of it by saying I was too young and inexperienced to have to deal with that sort of thing, but in the end it doesn't even matter. No matter how much I wanna turn back the clock, I made this mess and I should be the one to live it through.
Except I can't. Days turn to endless voids, taking up my mind, flooding it with hate and despair. I poison everything I touch because I lost the ground and I can't find a way to a safe haven.
History is repeating itself but I was always careless about it. I don't learn anything, do I? And now I've been on pills for almost two months now, my body slowly giving up to coughing and getting sick at every flow of the cold wind.
I'm in need of a nanny again. I lashed out on the previous one cause my mom said she was sleeping on the work. Which to me was no big deal, but since it came from her with the obvious intent "deal with it" and I was so tired after work I just reacted. And it blew in my face. Wonderfull. Then I lashed out on my mom saying I don't wanna be like her - alone, jobless and in depression till I'm like 50. That went even better. My parents yelled at me, but what they don't understand - this is how I feel. I'm sick of hiding and pretending I'm better than this - I'm really not. I don't wanna be like my parents, I admire them and all they've (my mom mostly) done for me, but thank you, no, thank you, I'm so not gonna live like that. I don't like my son, he feels like I'm back at school again and I count the years till I can be free from him and have my non-working time all to myself. Not sure what to do in all that free time other than destroy myself from inside, but I hope I'll think of something by the time that happens. To be honest I don't even like me - and that, I think, is the reason for everything else. I can't see the point where a nice naive empathetic girl turned into neurotic manipulative matherialistic cold-hearted cynic. Cause that's what I am. On one hand, that's very practical and gets things done without too much heartache, and on the other hand - a heartache is better than no heart ot all.
I wish the wonderful time of "look how pathetic I used to be, glad that's over now" will come some day. Those would be the times.
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16.02.2021 в 14:25It has.