Lost in paradise.
It seems my thoughts escape me when I try to express them in any way. It's like a chaotic ocean inside that just stops still and hides if someone tryes to look at it closely. Like something in the corner of your eyes you can't quite grasp. Pretty annoying, that's what it's like.
I've been trying to understand the changes I'm going through. With the therapy my life has become so much more complicated. Smells change, my view of the world changes, my appearance changes. Everything's so liquid. Sometimes I just sit there and try to get a hold of some aspect of my life, any aspect. But it all fades away. Right now I'm a messy pile of nothing with a pretentious complaints about the world.
I started rewatching Buffy. I remember that I couldn't get her on my first view of the series, she seemed a bit dead to me since about season 5. But now I can relate to her. All of the expectations, all the responsibilities, all that pressure boiling up inside and no time to breath. That scene in 5x09 Listening to Fears when Buffy washes the dishes and starts crying uncontrollably, like something is exploding inside of her and she uses that rare moment of "no one sees me" to pour some of the background radiation out, stunned me. That's what I feel right now. The explosion's already happened somewhere inside of me I just can't seem to take it out in the open. It waits for the right moment to shed a couple of tears and then keep poisoning me from inside.
God, I don't remember the last time it was so hard for me to blog. Diary has always been a sort of a confession room, a safe bay where I can drop all the shit from the inside and feel at least a little bit better for pouring it out. But now even here I lost the ability to speak. The words are there, they are so close, but I can't form a phrase. Zip. Nothing. Like singing with a shut mouth. Except I can't even do that. I lose the tune everytime I try.
Today I watched top 10 buffyverse episodes by Passion of the Nerd. And there was something he said. "Depression is not how crappy you feel, it's how little you feel". And I realized all this time people've been telling me I'm depressed and I denied it cos I didn't feel sad. I just didn't feel anything. And now everytime I think about feeling nothing I can't stop crying. Cos now I see. That's the problem. That nothingness, that numb feeling you get when there's just so much of everything you need to process and you're just not up to it yet. I need a break. A real one, without "I sleep today and tomorrow will be a funny little "how am I gonna do all of that in one day"".
I was looking at jewelery and I realized something's changed. I'm not the person I used to be. Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? It's like waking up in someone else's body, I don't know anything about me. I don't like a lot of things I used to love. And I don't know how to explore that new person. I look in the mirror and it's not me. I don't know that person. Where's the one I knew? I liked her. Most of the times.
I am so confused and I can't seem to get out. Can't even call for help cause the words refuse to leave my tongue. My thoughts are racing, my body is alien, I don't know anything about the world or myself. Everything changes so fast I can't keep up. I'm in this frozen stage of "what the hell is going on" and I can't do a thing to snap out of it.
I've been trying to understand the changes I'm going through. With the therapy my life has become so much more complicated. Smells change, my view of the world changes, my appearance changes. Everything's so liquid. Sometimes I just sit there and try to get a hold of some aspect of my life, any aspect. But it all fades away. Right now I'm a messy pile of nothing with a pretentious complaints about the world.
I started rewatching Buffy. I remember that I couldn't get her on my first view of the series, she seemed a bit dead to me since about season 5. But now I can relate to her. All of the expectations, all the responsibilities, all that pressure boiling up inside and no time to breath. That scene in 5x09 Listening to Fears when Buffy washes the dishes and starts crying uncontrollably, like something is exploding inside of her and she uses that rare moment of "no one sees me" to pour some of the background radiation out, stunned me. That's what I feel right now. The explosion's already happened somewhere inside of me I just can't seem to take it out in the open. It waits for the right moment to shed a couple of tears and then keep poisoning me from inside.
God, I don't remember the last time it was so hard for me to blog. Diary has always been a sort of a confession room, a safe bay where I can drop all the shit from the inside and feel at least a little bit better for pouring it out. But now even here I lost the ability to speak. The words are there, they are so close, but I can't form a phrase. Zip. Nothing. Like singing with a shut mouth. Except I can't even do that. I lose the tune everytime I try.
Today I watched top 10 buffyverse episodes by Passion of the Nerd. And there was something he said. "Depression is not how crappy you feel, it's how little you feel". And I realized all this time people've been telling me I'm depressed and I denied it cos I didn't feel sad. I just didn't feel anything. And now everytime I think about feeling nothing I can't stop crying. Cos now I see. That's the problem. That nothingness, that numb feeling you get when there's just so much of everything you need to process and you're just not up to it yet. I need a break. A real one, without "I sleep today and tomorrow will be a funny little "how am I gonna do all of that in one day"".
I was looking at jewelery and I realized something's changed. I'm not the person I used to be. Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? It's like waking up in someone else's body, I don't know anything about me. I don't like a lot of things I used to love. And I don't know how to explore that new person. I look in the mirror and it's not me. I don't know that person. Where's the one I knew? I liked her. Most of the times.
I am so confused and I can't seem to get out. Can't even call for help cause the words refuse to leave my tongue. My thoughts are racing, my body is alien, I don't know anything about the world or myself. Everything changes so fast I can't keep up. I'm in this frozen stage of "what the hell is going on" and I can't do a thing to snap out of it.