Lost in paradise.
It's been a while since I wrote here or, to be honest, anywhere at all. It's a sort of therapy to write what's on your mind even though no one's ever gonna read this. I come back to my diary when I feel so alone my inner walls start crumbling and falling down and I just stand in the middle of all of this, naked, vulnerable and there's no one to clothe me, to hold me and tell me it's gonna be fine.
So much going on right now, I don't even know where to start. Today I'm gonna be at my friend's birthday party. A friend I stopped knowing ages ago. But we keep in touch, mostly for my sake, cause I really have no one else to even consider a friend.
Today I snapped again. I felt these big cold metal doors of trust slamming, I can still hear that sound. I can't do this anymore. Every time I talk to my mother I'm pulling away further and further. I wonder if she feels it too. She's always saying I should talk about problems, not keep them locked up inside. But every time I open my mouth I get yelled at or so misunderstood I wanna cry "were you even fucking listening to what I just said?!". All I get is advice. No sympathy, no shoulder to cry on, just "here are 100 solutions, pick one already". I just want someone to sympathize me. A little. Yes, that would be encouraging my ego instead of breaking it, but I can't always be strong. I don't wanna end up like my mother, remembering I have a life by the time I'm forty. I wanna live now. With all of my egoism, mistakes and misjudges, I just want someone by my side once in a while. Someone who doesn't tell me that I need to stand up and fight, just someone who can actually hear me. I am so tired of being alone.
I'm doing everything wrong. Got myself involved in so many things, I can't keep up the pace. All of this unfinished stuff is eating away at me and there's nothing I can do about it. It's like when I clean up the mess I'm in, there appears a sign over my head "drop shit here".
I want to get out. To actually relax. But I can't. I need to do this and that and I'm spending too much time just staring at the mirror, unable to pick one more prioritized matter. And I feel my strength slipping away. Every day I wake up with a thought that I am a failure. And I've got no one else to blame but myself.
It's funny, all of these thoughts flying around in my head, but when I try to force them out, there's just nothing. They are still there, in the corner of the eye, I can sense all of the Unsaid and Undone, but I've been silent for so long I don't even remember how to get it all out in the open. With every personal conversation I'm shutting down piece by piece, so that no one ever finds out what a mess I really am. So that no one will be disappointed again. Sweet lies of everything being fine.
I'm not sure whose disappointment is more meaningful to me - my own or someone else's. I am so scared to trust people, because they break you, they open up old wounds, create new ones, tear you apart and leave. And I don't know if I have the strength to pick myself up again. Because I don't know if anyone would even be there beside me when I get broken again.
I'm hiding the only way I know of - in watching imaginary people's lives, in hoping that one day I find someone as close to me. I don't care that much for the plot, the interpersonal relationships are much more interesting. Because I don't even begin to grasp how people get close to each other. So close you can see though the person and you're not afraid of that person seeing you. It's always been a mystery to me. So I'm peaking through a window of a candy store at all of these happy kids with their sweets and imagine that a cold icicle in my hand is something close to what they have.
When people start talking I don't know what to do. I either listen silently or start interrupting them. Or there's a very awkward pause. All of this "I don't know why I'm telling you this, but you seem like a nice guy" sort of thing just doesn't pass my inner critic. Because I don't believe in people, I'm afraid of them, of their sharp words and unasked opinions that inflict my own vision of myself. The moment I think I have a solid ground under my feet someone pushes me. And I fall. I just wanna stay still for a moment, maybe then I finally see how they do it - trust each other.
So much going on right now, I don't even know where to start. Today I'm gonna be at my friend's birthday party. A friend I stopped knowing ages ago. But we keep in touch, mostly for my sake, cause I really have no one else to even consider a friend.
Today I snapped again. I felt these big cold metal doors of trust slamming, I can still hear that sound. I can't do this anymore. Every time I talk to my mother I'm pulling away further and further. I wonder if she feels it too. She's always saying I should talk about problems, not keep them locked up inside. But every time I open my mouth I get yelled at or so misunderstood I wanna cry "were you even fucking listening to what I just said?!". All I get is advice. No sympathy, no shoulder to cry on, just "here are 100 solutions, pick one already". I just want someone to sympathize me. A little. Yes, that would be encouraging my ego instead of breaking it, but I can't always be strong. I don't wanna end up like my mother, remembering I have a life by the time I'm forty. I wanna live now. With all of my egoism, mistakes and misjudges, I just want someone by my side once in a while. Someone who doesn't tell me that I need to stand up and fight, just someone who can actually hear me. I am so tired of being alone.
I'm doing everything wrong. Got myself involved in so many things, I can't keep up the pace. All of this unfinished stuff is eating away at me and there's nothing I can do about it. It's like when I clean up the mess I'm in, there appears a sign over my head "drop shit here".
I want to get out. To actually relax. But I can't. I need to do this and that and I'm spending too much time just staring at the mirror, unable to pick one more prioritized matter. And I feel my strength slipping away. Every day I wake up with a thought that I am a failure. And I've got no one else to blame but myself.
It's funny, all of these thoughts flying around in my head, but when I try to force them out, there's just nothing. They are still there, in the corner of the eye, I can sense all of the Unsaid and Undone, but I've been silent for so long I don't even remember how to get it all out in the open. With every personal conversation I'm shutting down piece by piece, so that no one ever finds out what a mess I really am. So that no one will be disappointed again. Sweet lies of everything being fine.
I'm not sure whose disappointment is more meaningful to me - my own or someone else's. I am so scared to trust people, because they break you, they open up old wounds, create new ones, tear you apart and leave. And I don't know if I have the strength to pick myself up again. Because I don't know if anyone would even be there beside me when I get broken again.
I'm hiding the only way I know of - in watching imaginary people's lives, in hoping that one day I find someone as close to me. I don't care that much for the plot, the interpersonal relationships are much more interesting. Because I don't even begin to grasp how people get close to each other. So close you can see though the person and you're not afraid of that person seeing you. It's always been a mystery to me. So I'm peaking through a window of a candy store at all of these happy kids with their sweets and imagine that a cold icicle in my hand is something close to what they have.
When people start talking I don't know what to do. I either listen silently or start interrupting them. Or there's a very awkward pause. All of this "I don't know why I'm telling you this, but you seem like a nice guy" sort of thing just doesn't pass my inner critic. Because I don't believe in people, I'm afraid of them, of their sharp words and unasked opinions that inflict my own vision of myself. The moment I think I have a solid ground under my feet someone pushes me. And I fall. I just wanna stay still for a moment, maybe then I finally see how they do it - trust each other.