It's a sense of almost losing myself that makes me pause and reflect on my life. So many things have been happening at the same time sometimes I feel lost, like I'm being held by the water but still floating in the unknown ocean. Terrified by the possibilities, and of losing myself just to get it "right" this time.

I'm tired of fighting. It feels like I picked up a stone and try to pretend it's the right kind of stone and it's not heavy at all and I can carry it through everything and it'll get lighter and better. You know it won't. You knew this from day one. You were scared to face the fact that you chose wrong again. That it'll go back to the start in a blink of an eye. So you stopped blinking till your eyes got red and teary. But it's time to let it go. He feels it too and he's nervous. And I feel for him, I really do. But I don't wanna lose myself. I can't afford to. It's not the end of the world, I'm still young and beautiful and funny and witty and caring. But not with him. Not like that. I care for him and my heart breaks every time I have to make excuses to not get carried away by annoyance. Just not the right choice. I need someone in my life who gets me, without excuses, without pretending, without fear and judgement. Am I wanting too much? Is that even a real thing to get all of that in one person? I don't want to settle for less.

He doesn't see the world the way I do. And it's fun and interesting up to the point of me getting tired. And then I see him, pointing and accusing. I know he can be better. But do I really want to change him? It's a dead end road, changing a person you love. I want him on my terms and I can't back down. He doesn't understand the pressure I feel, he can't understand till he has been through the same. I almost want to let him go and watch him find what he's looking for just so he could come back to me and we'd be together without this elephant in the room. Does that make me a bad person?

I don't want to ruin his life and I won't let him ruin mine.

At this point I feel like the only solution would be for me to move out to a new place near where I am now. Not a rent, but fully mine. But I can see only one way of getting it and I shame myself for even considering this as a solution. I don't wanna start a new life on top of someone's death.

I long for a break. For something to make everything okay and easy. I carry all these things I took on myself half a year ago and I am just waiting for all of it to be finished. I have no idea what to do next but I'll figure something out.

---

"I hate Suzie" is so painful to watch. So real, so full of desperation and loss and just being torn apart by the world and wanting it all to just go back to the way it was. Beautiful yet terrifying. I applaude Billie Piper for this performance, it helps me put some perspective on things.

Look at the state of me
You can't deny it
I'm gonna walk out
So follow me now
Just get behind me
Look at the state of me
You can't deny it
I'm gonna walk out
So follow me now
Just get behind me

My eyes adjust and I'm okay
But I'm not gonna put up with this one more day
I can't find the exit sign
But when I do, I'll bolt into the sunlight

Some may fear running to the unknown
But please, just tell me where else can we go

Look at the state of me
Look at the state of me

Broken, hostile state of my life now
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Closing slowly they don't own me
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Get away
No blood to waste
Closing slowly they don't own me
Just get behind me
Just get behind me

Lacey Sturm - State of me