Well, what a year it has been. And in a lot of ways I am gratefull.

Right now I'm in a relationship, which is both exciting and confusing, I'm swinging back and forth between the joy and desperation, and yet at the moment I've learned to just except it. Which is a great step for a control freak like me.

I hate that this term "control freak" will forever be assosiateed with S.

I'm evolving, slowly, painfully, with lots of throwbacks and a sense of worthlessness. But still. I haven't moved in my life that much probably since coming out of depression.

V. is such a sweetheart, I am still mesmerised every time he looks at me with adoration. I used to wonder if I deserved it, now I just except it with gratitude. I've come to terms with not controlling what other people think of me and it's very freeing. In the past I would have done anything just to keep the fire in his eyes, comletely shutting down my wishes. Now I see everything clearer even if it's more egoistic. Oh well.

Mother said to me once she sees me becoming inhumane. It hurt. For a while. Then I excepted that. Last year has not just shown to me my darkest sides, it let me except them. Yes, I am not perfect. Yes, I don't fit into other people's expectations. Yes, I am very nasty sometimes towards the people I love. I am a selfish arrogant bitch. And if previosly I obsessed with "being the good guy" now I just... Don't care. It's your projection of me. You don't like it? Well neither do I sometimes, but at least I'm trying to be better for myself and you just complain I don't do everything you want me to the way you want me to.

Drag me though the dark
Oh bless your little black heart
Tear my world apart
Oh bless your little black heart

Icon for hire - Waste my hate


And yet despite of being a cold-hearted bitch I am I realised it helps me separate who I really care about from everyone else.

V. is so sweet. I've always been fascinated by the fact that men are the sweetest things at their masculine core. So caring and protecting, I adore that. It takes me some courage (a lot, actually) to speak out loud what I really feel. And it takes a grumpy old "you're-not-stepping-in-that-shit-again" part of me to separate what I really want from wanting to impress him and keep him close.

He wants kids and it's comletely understandable. Hell, if I haven't had one already, I would probably agree to this whole new family thing. But every time I have to remind myself that although he is amazing there are some tumbstones I don't like and from what I gather from my friends it's only gonna get worse in time. So here they are, for reminder's sake. Just so I don't forget where the ground is next time he holds me and my brain is filled with hormonal nonsence.

He doesn't see the world my way. At the core I believe we are not the top of evolution. I don't believe in mega-people, enhanced cyborgs with the ability to do whatever. He trusts official medicine and laughs at my faith (can't really call that a religion). He turns every discussion in a competition and tries to show me how wrong my ways are. He wants me to sacrifice everything my child has just so he can keep living in an apartment he earned (which is relatable, but hell, you'ld still have it if you moved closer to me).

And yet I am estonished by his immense knoledge of everything, his undying fire and lust for new facts, his unbelievebe kindness and hell, I haven't been this satisfied in bed probably ever. And he cooks. Very-very good. Next to him I feel like a woman and I like that. But I don't want any more kids and that's the elephant in the room we keep tapping around. I see it as a great "have-to-do-in-life" and he feels like he's done everything else. And I haven't done anything BUT that. I just started to enjoy my life and I am so not giving that up. He doesn't see it and quite frankly that's the most annoying thing. He is like a child in a sweet shop trying to convince me his life is incomplete without a pack of chocolates. And the next annoying thing is that he doesn't even wanna try to live together because of my son! I mean, come on, if you want a family, I want a test drive and what better way to do it than with a child?

I complain a lot. That sucks and I'm trying to get rid of that. Poorly.

The world does not belong to you
You are not the king I am not the fool
They said the world does not belong to you
It don't belong to you
It belongs to me

The pretty reckless - And so it went


I've started a lot of what I wanted. I'm getting a requalification (is that the right word?) and a driver's licence. I'm taking a vocal course and exploring the legal side of things.

All in all - life is good to me and I appriciate it. Probably for the first time in my life ever. With my eyes wide open and a head so clear it hurts.

Life is an ending
Starting in the womb
You build a home of brick and mortar
Then it is your tomb
And I don't know real, I don't know right
I don't know if I should lay down or fight
But I know that somehow
It'll be alright

In the seventh hour
Waiting in the cold
I can feel the power
I'm turning gold
I'm turning gold

The Pretty Reckless - Turning gold