And they're asking me if I can see the darkness down below
And I know it's true, I say I do, when half the time I don't
Maybe I can't make what it may take to leave this thing behind
But I shut my eyes and cross each line and every time

I keep on running backwards, I keep on losing faith
I thought I had the answers, I thought I knew the way
My brother said be patient, my mother held my hand
I don't know what I'm chasing, I don't know who I am

Mike Shinoda - Make it up as I go (feat. K.Flay)


I'm losing faith in reality. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Goals don't feel like a way to approach life, just more rules to follow. "If you want to upgrade your N skill - do this X times, repeat for more experience". I used to be a gamer, used to be a serial watcher, used to have dreams and pursue them, now I just purposelessly float day by day. I had a few goals when I started working at my current place of occupation. And I enjoyed it! But now I got what I wanted and I'm not even at the crossroads, I'm lost in the field with no wish to go any further. I try to push myself, but it just doesn't work. I don't have anything in life I want and I feel like I've lost what I had.

Watched a review on the final episode of the 4th season of Buffy, felt oddly connected with Xander. Like him I keep coming back to my "basement" in hope I won't end up like my parents. But in the end I am not even half the human either of them are, just a waste of space with a god complex. In rare occasions when I start to feel good about myself something knocks me down (or rather I knock myself down) and it all goes to hell.

My inside's out, my left is right
My upside's down, my black is white
I hold my breath and close my eyes
And wait for dawn but there's no light

I'm a call without an answer
I'm a shadow in the dark
Trying to put it back together
As I watch it fall apart

..

Nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing makes sense anymore

Mike Shinoda - Nothing makes sense anymore