По привычке зашла в дайры под старым логином, почитала старые посты. Не могу сказать, что я совсем изменилась, но хоть какой-то прогресс имеется. Да, все еще депрессия и overthinking my past, но светлые моменты все же есть.

Writing in English makes expressing my emotions easier, because I can abstract my mind from reality. Like it's not me, it's someone else trying to understand what the hell is going on in his head.

I still get tired really quickly. And when I do, I get crancky and obnoxious, I start hurting people I love. Well, it's mostly my mom. Though she overreacts sometimes, I feel responsible for her sadness. I just hope my son won't feel the same way. Feeling guilty of someone else's misery isn't a good or easy thing. Even when you know their feelings definitely aren't your fault, it's the same question in my mind: "What have I done wrong? How can I fix it?".

I decided to see a psycologist. The thoughts in my head are running in circles and I don't see a way to break it and get out. I don't know how I can bring up my son, when I think men are weak, irresponsible and childish. I know it's my chance to rear a real man - caring, loving, strong both physically and psychologically, responsible for his words and actions, inquisitive, not afraid to make mistakes and fix them.

Anyway, right now all I know is that I'm weak and stupid and I want some time for just myself.