Shadows — @дневники: асоциальная сеть

среда, 09 июля 2014

11:13

Lost in paradise.

Я пишу сюда только тогда, когда мне плохо. пожалуй, этот метод самолечения, открытый еще в подростковом возрасте, все еще действенный. Раньше он укреплялся песнями и стихами, иногда простым музицированием, будь то пение или заучивание очередной партии Evanescence. Теперь я слишком редко бываю одна. И каждый раз, оказываясь единственным человеком в своей квартире, я срываюсь в детство. Я топлю себя в сериалах и играх, даже если сознание упорно твердит, что я приехала сюда учиться.

Сегодня нужно опять вернуться на дачу. Я помню, как это место вытягивало из меня силы в детстве, потому что там было адски скучно и не было интернета, чтобы создать хотя бы видимость общения. Теперь мне не нужно общение, мне нужен комфорт. Я отождествляю дачу с домом посреди сада из ирги, яблонь и грядок с клубникой. С домом, в котором есть хотя бы горячая вода, душ, туалет, электрическая плита, микроволновка, стиральная машина. Но нет. Все удобства на улице, горячей воды нет (да ее нагреть-то ничего не стоит), отданная соседкой старая стиральная машина стоит в сторонке, потому что для ее работы нужно греть печку, а если мы все равно греем воду, то давайте уж стирать руками в теплой воде. Эта логика убивает меня. Древний холодильник, воняющий уже не продуктами, газовая плита, требующая магических ритуалов по включению баллона, крана и самой плиты непосредственно для разогрева 150 мл воды ребенку, лампочки, освещающие хорошо если половину комнаты, вечный холод по ночам, магазины в трех-четырех км ходьбы (какой автобус, что вы, он ходит только по городу раз в час), мытье посуды в ключевой воде градусов так пяти выше нуля... Я не хочу. Я люблю комфорт, и сейчас у меня нет сил, чтобы обеспечивать его в тех условиях.

@темы: #never understood this life, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm

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суббота, 05 июля 2014

04:59

Lost in paradise.

You know, sometimes I just feel so fucking alone. I have no one to talk to. I never could talk about what I really feel, because I don't trust people enough to keep a secret. It was always a mystery to me - how can you chat away something that another person values so much?

Tomorrow I have to get back to my son. I love him more than I ever loved anyone in my life. Right now he is the only human being who is happy just because I'm there, whatever I do or say. He just smiles at me and all my problems seem so irrelevant. I mean, how could you possibly keep thinking about your misery when someone as pure as an infant smiles at you and laughs with the most beautiful laugh I've ever heard?

But there's always a price, isn't there? My grandmother. This bitch keep draining energy from me every time she sees me, which is almost every half-hour. And all my mother keeps saying is: "How can you be so cruel? She is your family!". On the days that she's tired it all just cuts to: "And now you're trying to steal energy from me. Stop being a little girl, your son needs to be there and you must do everything for him to be happy". Riiight. Well, I tell you all something. Next time this "family member" aproaches me with some bullshit, I don't care how much she cries, I don't care what she tells you - I am fighting back. I don't have enough energy left to give it away for anyone but my son. It is not fucking fair.

God, sometimes I think I can't wait for her to die. I know I would totally be releaved when she finally does. And I sure as hell don't wanna be as old as her, this, being a three-year-old-girl, is so fucking awful, I'd rather prefer to die in my seventies, than to live till everything in my body is useless, and I have to be a fucking energy vampire to keep myself going. No-no-no, I'd like to move to the next level, please, whatever it actually is.

People aproach me only when they need something. Well, I guess that's fair, since I alienated everyone and it's all my fault somehow. How can I be responsible for the fact that you all look like kids to me? Even before I became a mother, it was like you never grow up. It's me who gets to make a decision, or take a responsibility. It has always been me.

Another thing that keeps me up at night (besides tea ceremony we went to as a gift for my mum's birthday) - I really need sex. Yeah, need it. I feel the lack of haptic (is tactile the right word?) feelings. It's not the actual action that I miss, it's the touching other person's body and him touching back. I'm scared I can be projecting that on my kid (not in a sexual way), just that I hug him too much. And how can I not? He is so adorable.

When I think about ever having a sexual relationship, I realise I am so scared I get pregnant again. Even with contraception, there's a thought in my mind: "I can't be pregnant again, not so soon, I don't wanna go through this again, what if he leaves me afterwards, too?". And something like that would totally lead to me not being able to connect with person on that level. I mean, how long is it apropriate for a woman to wait before having sex? A month? Two? Half a year? How do you know the time is right? I'm not sure I can ever trust a man to have sex with me, partally because the last time all I felt from him was disgust. I was already pregnant, but it was still hard to say if I'm gonna have a baby or it's just a lack of exercise. And he felt disgust, I could tell. Like I was a big fat slug, not a beautiful woman he liked at least a little. I still wonder why he didn't just say no to me that night. Because you can't say no to a pregnant woman? Bullshit. And the worst thing is - I can't even talk to anyone about it. In my famiy sex wasn't a tabu topic of conversation, there just wasn't any conversation about it at all. The only thing my parents did about my sexual education was giving me some book for teenagers, explaing what biological processes a body goes through and how kids are made. I don't say that I wasn't sexually educated at all, as for many, if not all, teenagers the topic was quite intriguing, so I found some pictures and gifs somewhere, thought it looked kinda disgusting and never really thought about it again. I guess I was some weird teenager. Well, I'm not a teenager anymore, but I'm still weird.

I don't know how people can just walk over to someone and ask for a one night stand. It just doesn't feel right. I mean, people are strangers to each other and to let someone that close to yourself requiers quite a lot of trust, at least for me.

Sometimes I think there's just something very wrong with me. I attract people who decieve me and don't care about me at all. It can't be a coincedence that I keep runnig into them in my life, which usually means the problem is with my vision of the world. All my psycologist could say was to except my father (not hate him for never being there for me, listenning to me or caring about how his words affect me, but love him because of everything he's done for me and because he's a good man) and to be a weak girl, not a woman-that-can-do-everything-by-herself. Which means to change myself completely. And I won't go for it. It wouldn't be me, just someone else. I don't wanna be someone else, I wanna be myself. A happy me. Is that too much to ask? And as for my dad, I'm better off without him. It's too late to change him and I can't be around a five-year-old-boy, who tries to buy me with expensive gifts, without even properly listening to me and not walking away in the middle of conversation, like I'm not even there, just an annoyig radio you can tune off. How am I supposed to see men as people who can protect me, who can share the responcibilities, who I can rely on as equals? All I've ever seen is man = big kid, who doesn't care, how hard it is for you, he is too busy trying to impress everyone around him and convience them he is the real man. For fuck's sake, I am more manly than them! How can I trust any of them to catch me when I fall when they are always not there for me, or they are around, just not caring about me at all? Yes, that's an egoistic point of view, but what the hell, let's be honest, we all value people that feed our ego. People that care what we think, do and say. And as I see it - it's competely normal. S. once asked me if I thought everyone was good or evil. I said evil, but now I realise we are all just egoistic. Some more, some less, some try to hide it, some try to change for the best, some use this as an excuse to do whatever they like.

Anyway, I finally feel like I'm out of words, but it's five in the morning and I don't wanna sleep, so I probably finish the first season of Lie to Me and then try to get some sleep.

@музыка: The Pretty Reckless - Absolution

@темы: #i hide behind these notes too well, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this

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вторник, 20 мая 2014

12:33

Lost in paradise.

Как все оживляются, когда им от меня что-то надо.

@музыка: Kelly Clarkson - Breaking Your Own Heart

@темы: #never understood this life

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пятница, 16 мая 2014

15:03

Lost in paradise.

Imaginary conversations occupied my head.

@темы: #never understood this life

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четверг, 15 мая 2014

01:05

Lost in paradise.

Вчера снилось как С. дарил мне цветы. Из всего сна запоминаю только его, остальное теряется, сливаясь в белый шум на фоне.

У меня никогда не было близкого человека. Такого, чтобы прибежал черт знает откуда, бросив все, обнял и молча посидел рядом, пока мне не станет лучше. Но нет, от всех, кто приближается достаточно близко, я убегаю.

@музыка: Shinedown - If You Only Knew

@темы: #you're only a memory, #i hide behind these notes too well, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this

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суббота, 10 мая 2014

23:13

HIMYM

Lost in paradise.

NO! Gimme back Tracy, she was freaking amazing!

@темы: #give me some more of that iodine, #how i met your mother

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воскресенье, 04 мая 2014